Ode to adobo

A nasty hangover today I woke up with
Shouldn’t have drunk last night the way I did
Promised to stop that kind of shit forthwith
Knowing full well it’s only myself I kid

Sat down for lunch and saw the fare:
Crispy¹ adobo, made with loving care
Dunked in sukang pinakurat², it’s heaven, I swear
Dare I gorge, or only stare?

Adobo, if you don’t know
Is not in cholesterol low
It screams for rice with it to go
Hence the need to have Lipitor in tow

It to make is utterly simple
The garlic you fry: a lot, not a sprinkle
Add meat and brown³ — don’t quibble!
Then pour in vinegar⁴ and boil ’til supple

Now the stock you drain away
Freeze meat, or deep-fry without delay⁵ —
It’s up to you; just salt⁶ along the way
And don’t forget black pepper and leaf of bay

What, you ask, no soy?
You, sir, are one nosy boy
Go ahead, the toyo deploy
The burnt mess⁷ you certainly won’t enjoy!

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¹ As opposed to saucy. It’s more crispy-chewy, really. Looks like lechon kawali, which it most definitely does not taste like. «

² Spicy unpasteurized coconut vinegar. Kicks ass. Trust me on this one. «

³ “Brown” in this context is not an ingredient (or a noun), but a color (and a verb). «

⁴ Enough of it to cover the meat. Do not stir until the vinegar smell has dissipated/mellowed. Like I said, don’t quibble! «

⁵ In which case you had better don a hazmat suit. What I do is stick the meat in the freezer for a half-hour or so to minimize spatter. «

⁶ Add salt after the vinegar has come to a boil. Use rock salt if you have it. Remember: this recipe doesn’t use soy sauce, so you need enough salt to compensate. «

⁷ Oh, it will be a mess; take my word for it. Soy sauce contains sugar, which caramelizes when it comes into contact with hot oil. You really are a silly, silly boy. «