I got balls…

You read right, and it gets better, I assure you. These crab balls are crispy-chewy, delicious, and totally addictive. They are also a cinch to make. In sum, not a good thing. Scary, even. That’s why I want to give you the recipe. If I couldn’t stop gorging on these sinful spheres of starch, I might as well ruin your diet, too.

You see, I had been trying to get rid of the bags of imitation crab sticks (kanikama) in our freezer. With crabs, as with sex, you don’t bother with second-best if you can have the real thing, and we’re up to our necks in real crab as it is. I’d tried taunting (“You are not wanted here. Go away.”), insulting (“You’re nothing but second-rate, trying-hard copycats!”), and cajoling those sticks (“Have you considered growing molds? You’d look stunning with those!”) — to no avail. Those things were cold, man.

Okay, I said at length, two can play that game. I figured that if I kept experimenting with the stuff, sooner or later I’d run through those two humongous bags. Why crab balls, you ask? Duh. When you’re not particularly hopeful about something (except maybe the prospect of failing), there are only two things to consider: simplicity and speed. No elaborate prep work, no fancy or costly ingredients, must cook in no time. I was so sure those crab sticks wouldn’t amount to anything good.

But to be proven right — that just wouldn’t make for much drama, would it?

I was looking forward to hating those crab balls; I really did. Sort of. Well, kinda. Or maybe not really. I think. Maybe my junk-food gene automatically took over during that initial encounter between my mouth and that fateful crab ball — maybe around that time its firm golden exterior gave way to the chewy goodness of starch and the essence of crab (okay, maybe just a hint of that, but who cared?). It took two passes to get the recipe down pat, and between them the trash got not a single one of those yummy balls. No way I was going to feel sorry about that. I’m popping another into my gaping maw as I type this and — ooops, I’m almost out. Must make more later…

I’m giving you the recipe now. Sure you want it? Ready to surrender yourself to the evil joys of carbohydrate? Ask yourself long and hard, because if you continue reading past this point (as I know you will), I will not be responsible for the consequences.

Crab Balls

• 10 crab sticks
• ¼ cup lukewarm water
• 2 tablespoons white sugar
• 1½ teaspoons rock salt
• 1 tablespoon oil
• ½ cup flour
• 1 egg
• ¼ cup breadcrumbs
• ground black pepper

1. Finely chop crab sticks (makes about 1½ cups). Set aside.
2. Combine water, oil, salt, and sugar in a bowl. Stir until solids dissolve.
3. Add flour and mix well.
4. Add egg and stir until it is fully incorporated into the batter.
5. Put in chopped crab sticks and breadcrumbs and mix. Season with black (or cayenne) pepper.
6. Heat oil in a pan. Using an oiled measuring spoon (I use the ¼), scoop the mixture into the pan and fry in batches until golden. Drain on a paper towel-lined plate.
7. Eat yourself sick (optional, but likely).