Marketman goes to Congress

(If you’re not familiar with MarketManila.com, this post is not for you. This is for believers, er, site regulars only; otherwise you won’t have any idea what I’m talking about — not that that doesn’t happen often around these parts.)

What if Marketman runs for Congress — and wins?

In any other setting, such a scenario would be deemed a folly — madness, even. But we’re talking about the Philippines, where politics is nothing but folly and madness. Here are some names that prove my point: GMA, JDV, Bong Revilla, Lito Lapid, Miriam Santiago, Erap — all of them elected. It makes you wonder about the so-called “average” Filipino voter. (Okay, so I admit I voted for Miriam “I-was-not-born-yesterday!” Santiago; I couldn’t help it, she’s just so much fun to have around.)

But I digress.

The campaign — what a riot! Marketman’s detractors question his Pinoy citizenship, pointing out that he doesn’t even speak fluent Tagalog or Bisaya. They poke fun at his receding hairline and nerdy glasses, tell him to stick to blogging. His supporters, on the other hand, anoint him “The Original Mr. Palengke” — much to the chagrin of Mar Roxas, who contests that the title belongs to him. MM’s camp responds by starting a signature campaign among stallholders at FTI, Salcedo, Carbon, Pasil, and markets beyond to prove how silly Roxas’ claim is. They organize bake-offs; donate time, money — and food. Nobody, but nobody, ever goes hungry at a Marketman rally. In time he is likened to Jesus feeding his hungry flock, hailed as the modern messiah come to deliver us from second-rate actors and malingering midgets — a virtual godsend. The bishops soon step in to demand an end to the blasphemy.

Like I said — a riot.

Guess what? Irrelevant — all of it. The premise has been laid down: Marketman runs. And wins. I was just trying to work you up a bit before getting to the fun part.

What awaits our beloved Marketman in the snake pit that is the Philippine House of Representatives? How fares he in that den of iniquity? Here’s my take on…

10 Things Marketman is Likely to Do in Congress

1. Declare the session hall “drab and not conducive to productivity;” ask House management to allocate funds for flowers.
2. Propose the designation of a date as Single-Use Implements Day.
3. Use half his pork barrel allocation to buy fishpans for constituents (not copper, though); the rest goes to public-school feeding programs all over the country.
4. Enlist the help of Jamie Oliver in his campaign for healthy school lunches, for which leftists accuse him of being anti-Filipino. Instead, the position goes to Kris Aquino — who will be instantly swamped with multi-million-peso offers to endorse Coke, Jollibee, and Oishi.
5. Author a bill that limits special, non-working holidays to these occasions: New Year’s Day, the EDSA anniversary, Good Friday, Labor Day, Independence Day, All Saints’/Souls’ Days, Christmas Day, Rizal Day — and the opening day of a new James Bond flick.
6. Lobby for the creation of a new National Artist category — for the culinary arts. First recipient: Margarita Fores (this is imperative, and it doesn’t hurt that she’s beautiful and a MarketManila regular).
7. Offer to train the House canteen’s kitchen staff. Things go well, until diners complain that the carbonara has no cream.
8. Chide the congressional press corps for giving him the nickname “Bigfoot.”
9. Invite his colleagues to a taste-test: traditional lechon versus his accuchon; cry foul when some solons approach him to ask how much he is willing to “donate” if he wants his version to win. During the ensuing investigation, said solons will maintain that they were just “jiving” the gentleman from Cebu.
10. Resign in disgust after leche flan is declared the national dessert, but only if made with Alpine and Milkmaid.