Cooking for the end of the world

How does the joke go? Better the end of the world than the end of the month. The world ends, there go your debts. A month ends, here come the bills.

I’ve always imagined that the world would end spectacularly — in the manner, that is, of a Hollywood production. Fire and water would consume the globe and it’s bye-bye humanity, if not Earth itself. But watching National Geographic’s “Doomsday Preppers,” I’m reminded that the end may not be that abrupt or dramatic — or that it be the end of the world per se, as much as of the world “as we know it,” that is, civilization. That much can be accomplished by a solar storm, a global financial meltdown, a really nasty computer virus, or the last of the world’s oil reserves finally running out. Everyone agrees (or at least assumes) that it would lead to the collapse of the food supply chain. Forget panic buying; we’re talking widespread riots, looting, and every man for himself. Nasty stuff.

The obvious solution: stock up. Early, as in now. Have you seen the show? It’s insane. (“I hope I am crazy,” says one man, the subtext being: Because if it turns out I’m not, the rest of you are screwed.) Aside from loading up on grain and canned food, these people cure, dry, pickle, and generally preserve edibles on an industrial scale. One woman dips eggs in wax. That’s serious business right there. No one waxes eggs on a lark.

Now I know this is a minor quibble, but how long do you think you can stay healthy eating such food? Take Mr. I-hope-I-am-crazy. Guy scored high on the preparedness scale, except for one thing: he was obese. I would hate to see his efforts go to waste if he keeled over from eating too much Spam and peach preserves a few months into doomsday. Or would he just be hastening the inevitable?* After all, doomsday or no, most people already consume too much processed and/or canned food.

But I’m being facile. Under less than ideal conditions (and this, you must agree, is an extreme one), it’s possible to whip up a reasonably healthy meal out of a can or two. The following recipe is inspired by my friend JT’s chop suey, which initially surprised me for having an inordinate amount of canned ingredients. Not that it mattered; as with everything he makes, it is superb. Enjoy it now; I don’t think stress will make it taste any better.

Doomsday Chop Suey

An assortment of mushrooms gives this dish the taste/feel of traditional chop suey, with the meaty buttons, succulent straws, and cartilaginous, cabbage-like wood ears. I have purposely left out anything fresh to get a feel for what I imagine survivalist fare might be like. Broccoli would have added a visual flourish, but I am told that it has so far resisted efforts at canning. The water chestnuts provide crunch.

• 1 can button mushrooms, drained
• 1 can straw mushrooms, drained
• handful of dried wood ear mushroom
• 1 can young corn, drained
• 1 can water chestnuts, drained (reserve stock)


• 2 tablespoons oyster sauce
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1 teaspoon cornstarch
• splash of Chinese cooking wine
• dash of sesame oil
• salt, to taste
• white pepper, to taste

1. Make sure mushrooms, chestnuts, and young corn are in bite-size pieces. If not, slice accordingly.
2. Soak the wood ear mushrooms in hot water until re-hydrated. In a separate bowl, combine water chestnut stock, oyster sauce, onion powder, sugar, and cornstarch. Set aside.
3. Heat up two tablespoons of oil in a pan. When smoking, add water chestnuts, followed in short order by corn, button mushrooms, wood ear mushrooms (drained), then the straw mushrooms. Stir, then add Chinese cooking wine. Stir for another minute.
4. Pour in the stock mix and keep stirring until sauce reaches desired consistency. Taste and season accordingly, add sesame oil, stir once more, then serve hot.

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* His name is David Sarti, and if reports are to be believed, a few days after the series aired, a doctor declared him “suicidal” and his weapons were confiscated (preppers, it seems, are equally obsessed about hoarding firearms). Curiously, I couldn’t find any mention of the incident in the mainstream press. «