Baking bad

I shouldn’t be baking sweets. I shouldn’t be baking — period. Not only because I don’t have the talent or temperament for it, but (and perhaps more importantly) because I should be monitoring my sugar intake. When my doctor asked what could have contributed to the spike in my blood glucose, I had said, matter-of-factly: “Bahaw.” Of course. Cold, leftover rice is perfect for a midnight (or mid-afternoon, or mid-morning) snack. Bahaw pairs well with everything, from pork cracklings to fish stewed in vinegar, but if all you have are soy sauce and some oil, that works just as well. You can’t go wrong with bahaw.

But baking — now there’s a bitch. Or, as some people like to say, a science. Sounds the same to me. Each time some author proclaims a recipe “foolproof,” I’m screaming inside: But you haven’t seen me in action! In action, I fail to follow instructions, take many unnecessary shortcuts, and often end up botching the recipe. The kitchen is clean, at least, because I’m obsessive about keeping my workstation spotless (and here Ma wishes that attitude extended to my bedroom, which is a mess).

Speaking of my mother, she hates to see anything go to waste. It’s a trait I share, which was why I had been trying to find creative means of saying bye-bye to some items in the pantry. Like those flavored instant oatmeal that came with the care package from our youngest. Or those packets of coffee a neighbor gave us from her Singapore vacation. And yes, nuts of all shapes and nuttiness that my mother hoards; they have been taking up valuable freezer space and quietly driving me nuts.

After some Googling, I settled on the chocolate caramel oatmeal bars from Pinch of Yum, not least because no one said it was foolproof. If you click on the link above, you’ll notice how pathetic my bars look compared to theirs. Not that I mind, but I can’t even do a proper job of cutting them. If you’re particularly observant, you will notice that mine are dark on top: That’s because I forgot to pour in the caramel sauce before adding the final layer, so here it’s a glaze rather than a filling. (The pecans and coffee aren’t in the original recipe. The nuts I put on top of the chocolate chips, and the coffee was stirred into the caramel sauce.)

I still shouldn’t consider a career in baking, but overall this was one of my more decent efforts. I couldn’t finish a bar in one sitting — it was too sweet (I should have left out the sugar altogether since the oats already came pre-sweetened). Your mileage may vary. A friend of Ma’s happened to drop by and she ate three servings in leisurely succession. Watching her, I felt the hair on my nape stand on end. I wonder what she’s going to tell her doctor.