Chicken feat

Fear not, chicken lovers: I am not here to malign your beloved fowl. I think it’s only fair to tell you that that fried chicken nobody had for lunch a couple of days ago — it underwent a makeover, staged a comeback bid and acquitted itself honorably. We had it three ways and thoroughly enjoyed the results.

As you may have already guessed, the basic recipe was chicken mayonnaise, or, as I prefer to call it, Chicken with a Little Help from Its Friends, namely carrot, celery, pickled cucumber, apple, pineapple, cheese — and mayo, but of course. It helps to have friends. There’s nothing like kindred souls to rally behind you during trying moments, like after you’ve been dumped by a lover, picked on by a boss or a parent — or in this case, snubbed for lunch twice in a row. “We’ll show those ingrates,” I expect the mayo said something appropriately smooth. “We’re in this together — right, guys?”

But why am I anthropomorphizing some condiment? Let’s just say that the chicken came back with a vengeance. It looked good and tasted great. There. If you want the recipe, read on, but that’s it with sassy inanimate objects…

There’s no iron-clad recipe, really; I go by feel and with whatever ingredients are on hand. Just start with the basics: chicken, mayo, and salt and sugar to taste. Add as little or as much of the other “friends” as desired; I prefer the all-star cast. Some people like to include the chicken skin (if using broiled or fried), but I don’t because I tend to choke on soggy skin. There are days when I fancy some chopped green olives. And then there are days when I throw in carrots — and later realize that I have forgotten to parboil the damned things, at which point everything has been thoroughly mixed with the dressing. Hey, nobody’s perfect.

What matters is that it should be chunky, moist and creamy. How much mayo to use depends on the volume of your dry ingredients. Mix everything in a bowl and let sit in the fridge at least overnight to let all the flavors come together. (This is turning out to be quite the Beatle-esque post, hmmm…) A lot of the dressing will be absorbed during the rest period and you’ll need to call on that jar of mayonnaise once more, that’s for sure. Serve that chicken mayo with some pasta (in which case you need to mix it with the pasta before refrigerating), in a grilled (or deep-fried) sandwich, or bedded with greens of your choice, and everyone will think you’ve got serious culinary voodoo. I would, too, if I didn’t know any better. But who’s telling, right?