In my solitude

When our old refrigerator finally quit on us, my mother replaced it with the biggest model she could find. “Let’s see you fill up this one,” she said.

I thought she was throwing me a challenge. I was wrong. She was talking to herself. That thing was full in no time — the freezer alone with her stash of nuts, which she has no use for (I’m sure of that because I asked her and got the Shrug). Ma’s never met a nut she didn’t like. Especially when S&R holds a sale.

I keep telling myself I should stop mining my family’s idiosyncrasies for stuff to write about, but then that would leave me with nothing. The help aside, Ma and Pa are the only people I see with any frequency. Friends have taken to calling me an indoor plant. When I do venture out of the house it’s late at night — and it’s not like I do it to go someplace else. These days, “stepping out” means the sidewalk. Some people even express amazement that I exist at all. “You have a son?” they say to my mother, as if I were an unexpected kink in some telenovela. If I did not resemble my old man, such amazement would be coupled with doubt.

I wasn’t always like this. The stay-at-home type, I mean. In fact, I used to make it a point to go out every night, in any weather, whether I felt like it or not. It didn’t make me any more sociable, but it was a social life of sorts. Nowadays I’m king of the rain check: Too tired. Something good’s on TV. On an impromptu baking jag. Fridge needs clearing. “Over! At one in the morning?” Sure — why not? Somebody needs to do something about those nuts. Since when did you get nut butter going on a bender? No, don’t answer that. It’s not meant to be figurative.

Pecan Butter

Unless your food processor is equipped with a silencer, I don’t recommend making this at night. No nut butter is good enough to justify a visit from the neighborhood patrol. Even on Halloween.

• 2 cups pecans
• ¼ cup honey
• 2 tablespoons peanut or coconut oil
• dash of salt

1. Toast pecans in a skillet over medium heat, stirring often. Take care not to burn the nuts.
2. Pour toasted nuts into food processor (or coffee grinder) along with the oil, salt, and half of the honey. Blend, pausing often to scrape down the sides of the blender with a spatula, until the mixture turns creamy (or as creamy/chunky as you like it). This will take anywhere from 15 to 20 minutes. Taste. If not sweet enough, add the remaining honey.
3. Let cool before transferring to a clean container. Keep refrigerated.