For the cool in you

"Come," my best friend says. "I found the perfect pants for you." That's what he does. He doesn’t recommend me books, or music, or even movies. I am too opinionated about those. But when it comes to fashion, I readily admit that I have a bum’s eye, so I follow him without question. A saleslady saunters over to greet us. "Good morning," she chirps. "Boy or girl?"

"Me," I sigh, turning to Jerome. "Stop laughing; I'm embarrassed enough as it is." Do I need to add we’re in the kids’ section?

“Oh,” says the girl. “Don’t be. We get a lot of you around here.” I ignore her patronizing tone. To her, a sale’s just a sale. Jerome ushers me into a fitting room with what he calls biker’s pants. Along the way, he picks out a pair of slacks, the kind that Vice Ganda and Vhong Navarro wear on those asinine noontime variety shows. Not surprisingly, they fit — the slacks most of all, and even though I had been prepared to hate it, it really does look good on me.

Not that I care about looking hip or cool. I hardly go out socially, anyway. And with this weather we’re having, can you blame me? I would rather cool down. But then that would involve going out for ice cream, so scratch that. I can make my own, can’t I?

Seven hours later, I have to admit defeat. While I have successfully made no-churn ice cream before, this time I ignored my own advice. Deciding to make good on my promise to make corn coffee and rum ice cream, I put in too much liquor and ended up with a crystallized mess.

The incident prods me to find out more about the culinary use of alcohol. Call me unsophisticated, but the use of wine in cooking has always struck me as effete, although the arsonist in me likes seeing the pan go whoosh! Flavor? I dunno about that. I’m in it for the show — and my alcohol straight from the bottle.

Seriously, what I learn is that boiling or flambéing doesn’t always remove all alcohol from a dish. According to a study cited in this article on alcohol retention during cooking, there is still a good deal of alcohol left in a stir-fry or baked Alaska (75%) than in coq au vin or osso buco which has been boiled or simmered for an hour (25%) or two (10%). Apparently, it takes almost three hours of boiling/simmering to entirely eliminate alcohol from a dish, and even then you have to consider other factors, like the severity of the heat and the surface area of the vessel you are cooking with. A more interesting factoid: some cooking methods are not as efficient at removing alcohol than simply letting it stand uncovered overnight.

But in ice cream? Most recipes suggest adding alcohol at the last minute, if sparingly. Alcohol’s freezing point is way lower than water’s, so adding too much will result in ice cream not setting properly (or at all; if you have ever tried freezing your favorite tipple, you know what I mean). You could use more coffee liquor, like Bailey’s, which has 17% alcohol, as opposed to, say, rum or whisky, which has 40% (white wine has from 6-13%, red wine from 13-16%, while absinthe’s can go way up to a mind-altering 74%).

Trivia

To determine a particular bottle’s alcohol content, divide the proof by half, e.g., 100-proof whisky contains 50% alcohol by volume.

Anyway, the combination of corn coffee and rum proves no great shakes, after all. On my second attempt, I simmer a cup's worth of rum for 15-20 minutes, at which point it has reduced to a mere teaspoonful. The taste is like lightly burnt sugar and nothing at all like alcohol. But that’s just me, a certified Tanduay Rum addict. For its part, the corn coffee is not assertive enough to stand out, flavor-wise. Still a fail. I’ll have to revisit it someday.

To take my mind off the disappointment, I decide on another combination. I leave a cup of pitted cherries to steep overnight in a mixture of bourbon, sugar, and water. As per the aforementioned study, overnight maceration evaporates 30% of the alcohol, so since bourbon originally has 40%, it now only has 28%. Then I simmer the mixture for 15 minutes (crushing cherries as I stir), which further cuts the alcohol down to about 17%, same as coffee liquor’s.

Assembly. I blitz the cherry mixture with condensed milk, which I instantly regret, the color reminding me of strawberry ice cream, which I hate. Too late; guess I will have to revisit this one as well. I proceed to fold the bright pink liquid into whipped cream. My cream didn’t quite make it to the stiff-peaks stage, by the way. I also added more bourbon to the cherry mixture before folding it in, just because. Que será, será.

As you can see, it turned out well. Tasted good, too, with an unmistakable hint of bourbon. As for the chocolate “shell,” it’s completely unnecessary — that’s just the kid in me. I will give you the recipe, anyway; it beats paying for a bottle of Hershey’s.

Chocolate Shell

Pour this rich dark liquid over ice cream and give it a minute to set. Kids of all ages will love it. For this recipe, use a neutral-tasting oil like vegetable, corn, or canola. This can be stored indefinitely in the refrigerator; just let it come back to room temperature before using.

• 1 cup chocolate chips
• 2 tablespoons cooking oil

• To cook in a microwave: Combine ingredients in a microwaveable bowl and nuke on high just until chocolate chips completely melt. Remove from microwave and stir well. Use at room temperature.


• On the stove-top: Combine ingredients in a pan and cook over medium to low heat, stirring constantly until chocolate is completely melted. Let cool to room temperature before using.

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You have no idea how long I have been staring at the color on that ice cream. Now I’ve had a taste, it no longer looks that bad. Still, I steadfastly, absolutely refuse to wear anything in that color. Jerome has been forever trying to make me, but that’s where I draw the line. It just ain’t cool. I may be a fashion bum, but I have principles, too.

Cherry Bourbon No-Churn Ice Cream

I did not include extra bourbon in this recipe. I added 2 tablespoons to mine during the blender stage; more than that and you’re on your own.

• 1½ cups cold heavy/whipping cream
• ¾ cup condensed milk
• 1 cup pitted cherries
• ¼ cup bourbon
• 2 tablespoons sugar
• 2 tablespoons water

1. In a saucepan, combine pitted cherries, bourbon, sugar, and water. Let steep overnight (or at least 12 hours), uncovered. Place pan over medium heat and wait for liquid to boil, then reduce heat to low and simmer for 15 minutes, stirring and crushing cherries along the way. Let cool completely.
2. In a blender/food processor, blitz together condensed milk and cherry-bourbon mixture until well mixed. Set aside.
3. With an electric mixer, whip cold cream until it forms stiff peaks (that’s when you lift the beater(s) and the cream forms spikes that point straight up). Take milk-cherry-bourbon mixture and gently but thoroughly fold into the cream. Pour into metal pan and freeze at least 6 hours or until firm. To serve, scoop into bowl and pour liquid chocolate shell on top (optional; see recipe above).